


Even in the Shadows

by selfinduced



Series: we don't have forever [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Abuse, M/M, Pining, abuse survivor jace, minor original male character - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-12-23 20:49:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11997699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/selfinduced/pseuds/selfinduced
Summary: "What's the difference?" the glamour of Valentine dropped away to reveal Whitelaw. "He kidnapped you, he tortured you, and made you love him."Alec watched Jace falter in battle for the first time in his life.and also:"What are we, cuddling now?"





	Even in the Shadows

**Author's Note:**

> Set soon after the end of season 2--Valentine is dead, and the gang is working on rounding up his followers and bringing them to justice, dealing with the aftermath of the almost-war.

"Jace!" Clary runs to catch up with him as soon as she closes the portal behind them, Alec and Izzy right behind her.

Alec slows down and wonders if he should let her go, if she would know more about this. If Jace would want her instead. She's been the one healing him lately. They've been... close.

But Isabelle shakes her head at Clary and nods for him to go instead and Alec wastes no time chasing after Jace, following him into his room. 

 

-

 

It was a routine mission: round up circle members who had gone into hiding for trials. Whitelaw had evaded them for a week before they'd tracked him to a mundane hideout for child traffickers.

Clary had called Simon and whoever he could gather up to help them evacuate the children as quietly and quickly as possible while the shadowhunters focused on arresting Whitelaw. Of course, she had no idea that the Clave had protocols for these situations and could coordinate with local authorities to help the children return to their families or mundane foster care, and for once, Alec didn't protest because this was more efficient. Coordinating with downworlders had been facilitating the success of much of their efforts in the last few weeks.

"YOU ARE _NOT_ MY FATHER!" a roar came from the back of the compound where Alec had seen Jace head and followed as soon as he could. An extra burst of speed seemed to come from his parabatai bond as he careened into the room to find Jace standing over a cowering ... _Valentine_?

"You're dead," Alec said, even as he loosed arrow after arrow, pinning first the hand the man was reaching towards Jace to the floor, then the tails of his jacket and every fold of his clothing until he could move only his stele hand. "Deglamour. _Now._ " he commanded. He barely had to glance down to know his arrows would do their job, his focus entirely on Jace.

"I am no mundane." Jace sounded dangerous, responding to whatever it was the man had said to him before Alec arrived.

"What's the difference?" the glamour of Valentine dropped away to reveal Whitelaw. "He kidnapped you, he tortured you, and made you love him."

Alec watched Jace falter in battle for the first time in his life. 

"You are nothing more than what he made you: a victim." Whitelaw dove on the opportunity, eyeing Jace, then Alec, then Jace again. "Did you think you could be a Lightwood? That anyone could love a _lab rat_ with demon blood? Do you think Alec here still trusts you? That he'd still be around if you weren't his parabatai? Do you think he can still love--" the words choked off mid-sentence as Alec clocked the side of his head with the curved end of his bow.

Jace was already off, running back through the portal Clary had opened to go home, leaving Izzy and Alec to secure Whitelaw for transport back to the Institute.

 

-

 

He finds Jace in his room, tearing at his clothes while trying to get them off and rune them clean at the same time and rushes forward to put his arms around him and hold until Jace stills. His body is convulsing with what feels like sobs but it's Jace--there are no tears. Just breathing harsh and loud as his hands dig into Alec's shoulders. Alec gathers him up, always surprised by how small and light his parabatai feels in his arms, so incongruous from the weight and sheer power he throws around in battle. 

He picks up one of Jace's hands and holds it to his chest, walking Jace backward to the bed to make him sit while Alec takes off the torn layers of clothing and his shoes. He tries to stand when he's done but Jace's other hand is fisted on his shirtfront, eyes staring ahead, unseeing. Or maybe seeing horrors Alec can't begin to imagine. Alec sits next to him, turning to pull Jace into his chest.

Jace is stiff in his arms, shudders wracking his body. Alec pulls him fully onto the bed to hold him as he rests his own weight back against the headboard, cradling Jace's neck, pressing their bodies together as much as possible. Remembers how touch has always helped ground them both, even before they were parabatai.

Alec presses his cheek into Jace's forehead, "Jace, it's not real. Whatever he said, it was wrong. He was wrong about everything, about whether I'd trust you, whether I love—” Alec swallows, feeling the storm of memories and fear surrounding Jace, trapping him inside. “Come back to me, parabatai."

He sends tenderness and calm through their bond. The rightness of belonging, until he can feel Jace finally start to relax and breathe deeply as if he's fallen asleep. It's not a full sleep--it's the battlefield doze that Jace can live on for weeks at a time when necessary for a mission. He'd been running point on tracking down circle members while Alec had been focused on the institute, only joining during the take-downs at the end. He can feel the exhaustion and wounds that haven't had time to fully heal, but not the exact number of days Jace hasn't really slept. 

Alec settles back in the bed and tightens his arms and kisses the top of his head, breathing in the smell of him. They can both use the rest, and everyone will know to check if he's with his parabatai if they're looking for him.

 

-

 

Alec loved the piano, the beautiful keys, the definitive sound of the hammer hitting the string. He looked up to see the new boy at the doorway, eyes widened before he turned away. Not his usual brash demeanor. Alec's attention immediately turned to him instead, chasing after him. He had a feeling he would spend much of his future chasing after him, so it was good practice.

"Do you want to play?"

"No." The boy's jaws jutted out as if he was clenching his mouth closed before he forced it to relax. 

Alec knew better than to ask more, however.

Later that night, when everyone else was gathered in a private meeting in the office warded with silence runes, he followed the sound of the piano to find Jace playing something more difficult and complex than his little hands should be able to, the speed of his hands seeming rune enhanced. It was impressive that he wasn't missing any notes.

And then he faltered. And did miss a note. And stopped abruptly, cringing as if--as if he was afraid? Alec held his breath, but nothing short of several runes for invisibility and silence could keep the Wayland boy from detecting anyone nearby.

He turned unerringly to look at where Alec was hiding behind a shelf and said nothing.

"I didn't know you already knew how to play." Alec stepped out into view, "That was amazing, I've never seen anyone that good!"

"It wasn't good enough." the boy looked down at his right hand with a look so fierce and broken at the same time that Alec went to hug him.

"What are you doing?" he stiffened, not quite leaning away.

"I don't know. Izzy usually likes hugs if she's upset."

"I do not get _upset_."

"Okay."

But Alec decided to never ask him to play the piano again.

 

-

 

Alec stirs when he feels Jace waking, can feel the reluctance from Jace as he prepares to get up—Jace avoids physical contact with most people, but he can never seem to get enough of it when it’s Alec. It makes Alec smile a little as he shakes his head at Jace and tightens his arms.  

Jace settles back immediately, giving a short laugh, "What are we, cuddling now?"

"Mm."

"Dating has been good for you. Did you also learn about back rubs? Seelies are really good at them."

"Jace," Alec shuts down his attempt at deflecting with humor "Shh."

For once, Jace does.

The feel of Jace in his arms while he's awake and relaxed is different from asleep and relaxed--and different from awake and distressed. All of it is somewhat familiar--but they've never quite done this when one or both of them weren't in the infirmary, needing to be close while they healed, and it feels-- _indulgent._

  

"Do you want to tell me what Whitelaw was saying to you before I got there?"

Jace stiffens again, and, alarmingly, the shuddering is back. Alec doesn’t let him hide it by moving away.

He touches his face instead, "Jace, listen," Alec says softly, "I know you're in there, I can feel you, can you let me through?" but Jace doesn't seem to see him, locked inside himself. "Jace, I love you," Alec goes on anyway, "I'm here. Maybe you can't respond right now, but I'm not going anywhere. I never could, you know? From the moment I saw you, I knew I loved you. When we were kids, remember? You had all these bruises and scars and I wanted to protect you." Alec smiles a little, "You probably would've punched me if I said anything." He brings Jace's hand to his side under his shirt, where Jace can touch his parabatai rune. "I can feel you leaving us. Withdrawing more and more since that day when--" Alec has to catch his breath, remembering what felt like Jace had been _dying_ , and Alec had only wanted to die with him, the pain of separation so excruciating. He's as afraid to hear what Jace isn't telling him as Jace seems to be to tell him, so they've been avoiding it all just fine. "You act like you're an island people can only visit, never stay at. Like you don't need protecting because you have no one to leave behind." Alec's voice breaks, words coming out of him he's not sure would manage if he was sure Jace was listening, "What about me, Jace? I loved you before I knew what love was, before we ever thought to bind ourselves together. I wanted you. To be close to you. To see you smile. To hold you." He's saying too much, he only meant to tell Jace how wrong Whitelaw was, but he could feel Jace getting calmer with every word, and the truth has a way of welling out once you start talking. And now it's too late.

Jace finally seems to be back from whatever place he went to in his head. “Is that,” He searches Alec's face, making no effort to move away, bringing a hand up to take one of Alec's, “Is that what this is? What it always was?”

"No, that part happened when we were older.” Alec looks at him gently, “It became a different kind of love. Well maybe not, maybe it was just what the next step was as it got older. As we got older. As being close to you meant different things." He notices Jace hold in a laugh, cheeks dimpling. “What, why are you laughing,” he says indignantly but can’t help grinning back.

"You did kiss me once."

"Izzy's rune ceremony? It was on the cheek." Alec leans back against the headboard, grateful for Jace's ability to take things like this in stride. It’s easy now. They’ll talk like this, establish that it was in the past and they've both moved on enough to laugh about it, and go on as before. Jace is still sitting between his folded up legs, both hands playing with one of Alec's.

"Ok, how often do straight guys do that?" Jace's eyes dance. 

"Maybe parabatai do.” 

"Can you imagine Robert and my fath--Michael Wayland?" They both laugh. 

"I refuse. The only parabatai I’m willing to imagine kissing is y--" Alec freezes, his grin fading. Time stops.

  

And this time--this time Alec can't look up, can't meet his eyes, horror and resignation warring inside him.

"Alec," Jace breathes, touching his cheek, "are you. Can we--"

_No. We can’t. Whatever you’re asking, we can’t_. "Let's make this one of the things we don't discuss, please."

"What about Magnus?" Of course Jace doesn’t listen. It makes Alec irrationally angry. 

_What about him?_ Alec doesn’t even know what he’s asking, "He's not my parabatai. Who makes a point of sleeping with everything that walks." 

Jace looks like he’s been slapped and Alec reaches for him immediately, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that,” he leans his head in close, and Jace does it too.

"It never matters for me with anyone else, they're not you."

"You don’t owe me anything, of course you can be with whoever you--what?" he's saying at the same time, pausing when he hears Jace.

“We were children. The choice was to be together forever, stronger in battle, or—there was really no other choice, was there? We’re needed as soldiers above all else.” Jace says quietly down at their joined hands, "But I've always been yours."

"And yet, I'm the only one who doesn't get to--" Alec cuts himself off too late, hates how feeling so exposed is making him lash out. 

"What?" Jace sounds amused, "make out with me?"

Alec doesn't respond, still horrified at himself. 

“It’s okay to want me,” Jace smirks, steering them neatly back to joking territory, “I'm very pretty. And good in bed."

Alec shoves him, relieved and exasperated. It’s slight, but Jace goes with it, falling back on the bed and looking up at him with eyes bright and guileless. Not convincing to anyone who knows him of course, but that’s a short list.

  

He falls into those mismatched eyes now as he has been their whole lives, watching them become heated, darkening until only a thin rim of iris is left around blown pupils, lashes lowering.

"We chose to be parabatai, Alec." Jace’s voice is thick as he reaches up, touching Alec's cheek. “I asked you to be mine, and you said yes.”

Alec holds his breath when Jace's thumb traces over his lips like a placeholder for a kiss. His eyes close, and his face moves into Jace's hand. 

"Tell me you love me again."

"What?" Alec asks lowly, voice breaking in the middle of the word. 

"You've never said it before today." Jace sounds wistful. More than that--hungry. 

"I love you," he reaches up to cover Jace's hand with his own, eyes closing as he swallows roughly. Turns his head to kiss the palm cupping his cheek, and says it again: "I love you."

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> because:  
> "I WANT THAT NOW THO, THANK YOU SATAN-SHRII" --sapphicalexandra, on how i keep having ideas and don't write them, or keep writing rpf etc.  
> sorry babe, i tripped and fell and wrote another fic that wasn't one of the 4 epics i'm in the middle of actually writing.
> 
>  
> 
> and also, because i needed to talk about how Jace didn't grow up thinking of himself as a victim and how that can be a painful thing to realize and heal from. a true discussion and exploration of it is beyond the scope of this little story, but if you connected with it and need to talk, do feel free to message me as some have already.


End file.
